No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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