im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
