I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
