Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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