Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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