my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
