Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
