chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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