Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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