She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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