I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
