Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
