Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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