I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
