I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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