pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
