How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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