You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
