My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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