How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
