so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
FUCK WHALES
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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