I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
