she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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