just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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