she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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