dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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