Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's the barista slut.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
