I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
