I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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