i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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