my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
