I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize