I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
