i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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