I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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