Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i came on her dog
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
