I cockslap morals
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
