how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
