Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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