i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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