i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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