its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
