You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
