I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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