im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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