Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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