sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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