you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
