Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
