I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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