i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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