If that was your dad, he is hot
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
