Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
