god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
