We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
