Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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