i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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