I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
There are leaves in my underwear?
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