my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
