I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
