When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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