I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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