Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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