Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
